"Er, would you like to sample our nuts?"
Not much better.
"Care to try some tasty nuts. We have 2 nuts available. Er, Hazelnuts and Almonds. They're roasted and then caramelised......"
A bit too long.
"Nuts. Nuts. We're nuts over here! I mean we have nuts over here"
"Would you like to try...(commence hand gestures to tasting plate)"
Eleanor: Mum are you wearing that skirt again today?
Me: Yes, why?
Eleanor: It's got a split up the back of it.
Me: It's part of the design honey, it's meant to be there.
Eleanor: Really? I only just noticed it yesterday afternoon.
Me: Yes, well it has been there forever.
Eleanor: Oh ok.
Upon my return home from running errands some 6 hours later I was mortified to catch a glimpse of my skirt in the bathroom mirror. Of course I was wearing hot pink underwear that day.
|oh THAT split!|
Note #3 Be prepared to discuss the male anatomy and correct terms for reproduction to children and friends of children at any moment.
Upon collecting Rocket from the vet the following conversation was overheard in the car
Friend: Why do we need to be gentle with Rocket?
Son: He had his penis cut off to stop him from spawning*.
Note #4 Asking your child if their friend liked the birthday present they gave them and getting a reply in the affirmative doesn't necessarily mean the friend actually received the present.
I opened the child's school bag this morning and found the birthday present that was meant to be given to his friend last Friday. Apparently he thought he did give it to his friend. We are still trying to get to the bottom of this one.
Note #5 Don't put car-parking dockets in your mouth, especially if parked above level 12.
Upon paying for my parking and retrieving the docket from the machine I always place it in my mouth between my lips whilst I drive down the levels of the parking lot to the exit where I hand it to the man and continue on with the rest of the day. If I don't put the docket in this spot it gets lost in the car or left on the roof of the car. It was a particularly warm and dry day when I was parked on the top level of the parking lot so when I finally got to the exit and ripped the ticket out of my mouth to give to the man, half the skin of my lips came off as well. There was an unsavoury word uttered along with blood dripping all down my front. It was very embarrassing but it looked like I brightened up the man's day. It reminded me of that one time I licked an ice tray.....
Note #6 Do not lick ice trays.
When I was 8 I was playing at my friend's house and it was so hot that I opened their freezer and licked the ice tray whereby half my tongue got stuck to the ice. I then had the embarrassing job of explaining to my friend's family how I cut my tongue and why there was blood all over the kitchen floor. But I digress. Back to other items this week...
Note #7 Shopping for toilets is quite awkward and toddlers should be left at home.
I was toilet shopping recently and was completely taken aback when the salesman told me to "have a seat and try them all out. See which one you like the feel of best". Sitting on toilets with fellow customers walking by, despite being fully clothed, was a less than fabulous experience. Having Flynn yelling out "Mummy wee, mummy poo" every 5 seconds added to the mortification nicely.
Happy Monday! I hope I don't collect too many notes to self this week :-)
* "spawning" is a term regularly used in Minecraft and is well known by parents of 8 year olds.