Monday, February 16, 2015

Notes to self

Note #1 Practice sales pitch before every market.

"Would you like to taste my nuts?"
Oh dear.
"Er, would you like to sample our nuts?"
Not much better.
"Care to try some tasty nuts. We have 2 nuts available. Er, Hazelnuts and Almonds. They're roasted and then caramelised......"
A bit too long.
 "Nuts. Nuts. We're nuts over here! I mean we have nuts over here"
Good grief!
"Would you like to try...(commence hand gestures to tasting plate)"


Note #2 Pay special attention to seemingly mundane conversations with children in the car. 

Eleanor: Mum are you wearing that skirt again today?
Me: Yes, why?
Eleanor: It's got a split up the back of it.
Me: It's part of the design honey, it's meant to be there.
Eleanor: Really? I only just noticed it yesterday afternoon.
Me: Yes, well it has been there forever.
Eleanor: Oh ok.

Upon my return home from running errands some 6 hours later I was mortified to catch a glimpse of my skirt in the bathroom mirror. Of course I was wearing hot pink underwear that day.

oh THAT split!


Note #3 Be prepared to discuss the male anatomy and correct terms for reproduction to children and friends of children at any moment.

Upon collecting Rocket from the vet the following conversation was overheard in the car

Friend: Why do we need to be gentle with Rocket?
Son: He had his penis cut off to stop him from spawning*.

Note #4 Asking your child if their friend liked the birthday present they gave them and getting a reply in the affirmative doesn't necessarily mean the friend actually received the present.

I opened the child's school bag this morning and found the birthday present that was meant to be given to his friend last Friday. Apparently he thought he did give it to his friend. We are still trying to get to the bottom of this one.

Note #5 Don't put car-parking dockets in your mouth, especially if parked above level 12.

Upon paying for my parking and retrieving the docket from the machine I always place it in my mouth between my lips whilst I drive down the levels of the parking lot to the exit where I hand it to the man and continue on with the rest of the day. If I don't put the docket in this spot it gets lost in the car or left on the roof of the car. It was a particularly warm and dry day when I was parked on the top level of the parking lot so when I finally got to the exit and ripped the ticket out of my mouth to give to the man, half the skin of my lips came off as well. There was an unsavoury word uttered along with blood dripping all down my front. It was very embarrassing but it looked like I brightened up the man's day. It reminded me of that one time I licked an ice tray.....

Note #6 Do not lick ice trays.

When I was 8 I was playing at my friend's house and it was so hot that I opened their freezer and licked the ice tray whereby half my tongue got stuck to the ice. I then had the embarrassing job of explaining to my friend's family how I cut my tongue and why there was blood all over the kitchen floor. But I digress. Back to other items this week...


Note #7 Shopping for toilets is quite awkward and toddlers should be left at home.

I was toilet shopping recently and was completely taken aback when the salesman told me to "have a seat and try them all out. See which one you like the feel of best". Sitting on toilets with fellow customers walking by, despite being fully clothed, was a less than fabulous experience. Having Flynn yelling out "Mummy wee, mummy poo" every 5 seconds added to the mortification nicely.

Happy Monday! I hope I don't collect too many notes to self this week :-)

* "spawning" is a term regularly used in Minecraft and is well known by parents of 8 year olds.



32 comments :

  1. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't seem to find much to laugh at these days but your post just made me laugh out loud for real. Sorry it was at your expense, but…it was funny.
    Cheers Kate

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  2. Oh Mel you crack me up :) Have a fantastic week lovely lady. xxx

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  3. Oh Mel, laughing tooo hard, so funny!!!

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  4. Oh no.
    Poor Rocket. I hope their was no confusion for the vet when deciding which part of the anatomy was being removed.
    Thanks for the laugh Mel. x

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  5. What a hoot! Haven't done #7 but the others are too familiar. Especially the ice cube tray. Makes me wince even now. Starting the conversation at a market is bad enough selling gin - Can I tempt you? Are you a gin drinker? - but selling nuts must be even worse.

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  6. I laughed and laughed, brilliant. I'm guilty of not really listening to what the children are saying to me as well. CJ xx

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  7. What a crack up, I laughed out loud particularly at number two - your split skirt and the spawning comment. So funny! x Dre

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  8. And that's the joy of having children! Loved this Mel x Jane

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  9. Hilarious Mel. You're so funny. I had an embarrassing moment yesterday after I put in a new dress and we went out to breakfast... queuing up to order, a kind lady behind me let me know the Target price tag I'd forgotten to cut off was hanging down my back! How embarrassing!

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  10. Maybe you should go into stand-up comedy! These were all so hilarious, and I'm sure we can all relate to similar stories with our own families. That is quite a rip in your skirt! I'm sure you and your hot pink panties were turning heads wherever you were walking that day ;) Wendy

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  11. Oh no! Too hilarious as a reader, but I can totally imagine not for you!! Especially the heckles while you were toilet shopping! You poor thing. I hope that this week will be much easier! xx

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  12. My mouth is killing me just reading this post. :) You're very funny, I think a book is in order...

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  13. Toilet shopping with a toddler sounds like fun.... As for the spawning, I nearly choked on my coffee! I have gone to the shops with my dress inside out so feel your embarrassment. My mum had her skirt tucked into the back of her granny knickers once, that was quite funny (for the onlookers). Life is great! Thanks for making me laugh. x

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  14. Hey Mel,
    Love it!! This post was too good. I once tuck my top into my jeans after using the conveniences in a nightclub, but didn't realise that I had been rather over diligent and the top had been pulled underneath my bra. Don't even ask me how. I blame Uni drinking. At least Eleanor made a vague attempt at pointing you in the right direction. My friends just smirked at me all night long.
    Fantastic post.
    Leanne xx

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  15. Spffffft ... you made me chortle out loud & I spat tea from my nose. Really. Honesty. Totally Gross. ..hope you have a carefree week!

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  16. I'm still smiling. We're all nuts over here (!)

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  17. Bah haa haa haa! Oh my. Oh dear. What can I say?! Ah ha ha ha... :) xx

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  18. You've left me choking on my morning tea! You need to write a book. The problem would be deciding if it should go in the memoir section of the bookstore, or the humour section. :-)

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  19. Would it be totally awful to say that this post was great?! Considering that all of those things were of course not great for you. The spawning comment? SO classic! As for the skirt? Guess you're now the hottest Mom around town! Thanks for sharing!

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  20. Too funny! You have the gift of seeing the comic potential in life and your pace and delivery are perfect ... the stand up circuit is missing out!!

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  21. That's brilliant but you had me in a fit of giggles at note # 3.

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  23. LOL
    Thank you Mel, just what I needed this morning! Xoxo

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  24. Hilarious, Mel! Hope your weekend is better!
    And watch out when you choose a toilet. The one I chose three years ago is the worst design ever, I've never seen a toilet get so dirty so quickly. It's all about the drop angle, if you know what I mean. And even before it was ever used my mum was helping with the cleaning and she said (uncharacteristically) "this toilet was designed by a man!", because it has so many nooks and crannies I somehow didn't notice in the shop ...

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  25. Lol, very funny! We haven't reached the Minecraft stage yet so spawning is new to me. Well, that term anyway ;-) x

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  26. What a laugh I've had over this, Mel! Oh my goodness, for your sake I hope this week is a little gentler on you - I am reminded me of the time when I got a little note handed to me at church letting me know that my zipper at the backside of my skirt was undone, of course, this was after I had walked up and down the aisles - in any case, I'm sure the sight of your pink underwear put a smile on a few faces that day :) XO

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  27. hilarious! had me chuckling away... love your notes!

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  28. hehehe :-) thanks for the chuckle Mel

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  29. Ha! Hmm, sounds a lot like my life. Almost everyday in the last four weeks, Bella's said to me "Mum, you've got paint in your hair." in a tone which implies thst I am beyond embarrassing. And what's worse is that yes I do almost always have paint in my hair and I don't even care much. Bah.

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